How to Be More Likeable
Being likeable is a skill. A skill that anybody can learn and implement over time. In fact, it’s not that difficult to hone the skill and harness it to great effect. Of course, it would be naïve to claim that likeability is an entirely learned skill. There are certainly people born naturally endowed with the characteristics that invariably make them more likeable, just like there are people born naturally afflicted with a specific disposition that makes them unpleasant. But there are things a person can do to be more likeable and there are skills that can be sharpened over time that can turn an otherwise insufferable person into someone people can tolerate in small doses or even a person people genuinely come to like given enough time. The more intentional a person is about implementing these skills the more quickly they become a person everyone wants to spend time with.
Actively Listen
Nobody listens. Pauses in another’s speech pattern are widely and unfortunately misperceived of as opportunities for personal monologues. This has become such a widespread problem that there are no doubt countless people out there who are inwardly begging for someone to just listen to them. I am firmly convinced that the vast majority of those who see therapists do not actually need to. They just want someone to listen to them and if they have to pay for the pleasure then so be it. Have you ever run into a person who genuinely listens? They are a breath of fresh air. This is so incredibly sad. They are so refreshing in part because they are so exceedingly rare.
If you make it a point to listen, to actually and to actively listen to other people, you will become instantly likeable. You will become an oasis in a dangerously dry and parched wilderness and, if you genuinely commit to doing this, your biggest problem will become how to go about your day with so many clamoring for your time and attention. If there is a single characteristic that makes a person instantly and indelibly likeable it is this one. Actively listen to other people and you will be astonished at the results.
What does it mean to actively listen to other people? I want you to engage with me in a thought experiment. Imagine that a billionaire has hidden an envelope with a cashier’s check for $100 million somewhere in the world. Imagine you are engaged in a conversation with this billionaire and he peppers the conversation with various clues as to where he has hidden this envelope. How would this conversation play out? I suspect you would want the billionaire to do the lion’s share of the talking. I suspect you would never talk about yourself. I suspect you would make the conversation all about the billionaire and that envelope. You would ask follow up question after follow up question. You would focus all of your attention on the words that came out of that man’s mouth. You would parse every word, translate every inflection, interpret every gesture and facial expression. In a word, you would marshal all of your innate abilities to focus and to concentrate in order to internalize every last bit of information this person was conveying to you, both verbal and nonverbal.
How do you become more likeable? Treat every conversation this way. The only difference being that the prize is not $100 million. The prize is an infinite quantity of friends. Never talk about yourself. Always talk about the other person. The other person is providing invaluable information and you must do your absolute best to absorb every jot and tittle. Never interrupt them. Never seek to talk. Seek to listen and to ask follow up questions so that they will continue to talk. Follow up on every interesting word, inquire as to the unusual inflection, focus intently on every gesture and facial expression. Make the conversation all about them and make it plain that your job is to dig and their job is to provide valuable information. When you treat people this way, they see themselves as important and cherished. And when the people you encounter feel precious in your presence, you will never lack for friends.
Be Humble
There is nothing as distasteful as the arrogant. There is nothing as profoundly beautiful as the humble. People who go on and on about themselves and their accomplishments – those who have clearly fallen in love with their own voice – are wearying and nauseating. Those who are self-effacing and meek, those who make the conversation about others in an effort to genuinely cater to other’s needs are refreshing and joyously uplifting.
We have all been around couples that displayed far too much affection publicly. Nobody likes that couple. Nobody wants to be around that couple. They make people deeply uncomfortable. And soon enough that discomfort turns to anger because their affection, which should have remained private, has now invaded other people’s personal space.
Likewise, when someone talks incessantly, never comes up for air, and when a person is unabashedly engaged in public displays of self-affection it is deeply uncomfortable. It is wildly inappropriate when other people are around, and it reveals more information about that person then they should be willing to make available for wider public consumption.
People who refuse to talk about themselves and those who listen more than they speak are the ones everyone wants to be around. They sincerely desire dialogue and that’s what the vast majority of the population craves. Nobody likes to go to lectures or to listen to monologues. We go to lectures because we have to, not because we like to.
Never Gossip
If you gossip, chances are very high that the only people who will end up liking you will be others who gossip. After a certain age, the percentage of the population that enjoys gossiping drops precipitously. And certainly, after high school, gossiping really says more about you than it does about the person you’re gossiping about.
Nobody likes a gossip. Two things immediately come to mind when engaged in a conversation with a person who gossips, and neither are beneficial if your goal is to be likeable. (1) This person probably gossips about me when I’m not around. (2) I need a shower. What spews out of the mouth of a gossip is not just mean spirited and hateful, but acrid and caustic which makes the gossiper, rather than the target of the gossip, appear desperately bitter and unhappy and therefore an object of enduring pity. What starts out as an attempt at camaraderie in a shared piece of gossip turns into an activity both parties eventually regret. The person you gossip with will end up disliking you and hopefully themselves. And the person you are gossiping about will certainly despise you when they discover what you have been saying about them in their absence. What is said in the dark will always, in time, be exposed to the light.
There is no upside to engaging in gossip. It is akin to engaging in an alcohol induced, adulterous one-night stand. The union may be enjoyable for a moment, but it is a deep betrayal – one that both parties will eventually come to regret. Additionally, nobody wants to be in a relationship with either party to the affair moving forward because they know that they are not enlisting in an authentic relationship with any legitimate future, they are merely volunteering to be the next victim.
Be Positive and Kind
There is enough negativity out there as it is. There is enough meanness in the world. People can find those things on every corner. It is exceedingly rare to find someone who exudes positivity and emanates kindness. Be that person.
Being in a conversation with someone who is negative and constantly critical of you or others is wearying in the worst way. Most people are aware of the fact that the world is broken. We know the days are growing darker. We know that at the core of humanity lies a well spring bent towards evil. We are constantly reminded of this, and further exposure is unnecessary and unwanted. Negative and unkind people turn a low-grade fever into a full blow migraine and that’s the last thing anybody wants.
Be the type of person that views the world differently and forces others to do the same. Overcorrect if necessary. The worst thing people might say about you is that you’re delusional. But even though they might say that, they will say it with begrudging admiration for a person with the pluck to swim effervescently upstream against an overwhelming current of muck in a sincere effort to always find the good. Whenever I meet a perky person, I always find them annoying. Not because I dislike them, but because I do. I want to be them, but cannot. They never lack for friends because they are light in a world where it’s growing more difficult to see.
Be Emotionally Stable
People who are emotionally unstable are difficult to be around. They are enraged at the innocuous. They grow despondent with the slightest provocation. They weep in a way that is deeply unsettling for reasons that are entirely unclear. People who have no ability to control their emotions and fly off the handle for any and every reason are like ticking time bombs. Those around them are perpetually walking on eggshells and nobody wants to do that for any extended period of time. It’s like hanging out with a hand grenade. People who have the inability to regulate their emotions fray nerves and perpetually place those around them in a state of disequilibrium.
Most people seek friendships to relax. They want to be around people who can help them loosen up. Nobody wants to leave their daily grind and the stress of their labors to have a beer with nitroglycerine. Being around the emotionally unstable is stressful and unpleasant.
But being around people who can regulate their emotions and take a joke is a joy. You’re not worried that you’re going to step on a landmine. You’re not stressed over the fact that your next comment might be your last. You’re enjoying time with an adult and you need not fear adolescent tantrum. Life is much easier and much more enjoyable around people who are stable and firm. They bring order and stability to chaos, and they ultimately alleviate stress as opposed to those who do nothing but heighten it.
Do Not Be Overbearing
I think the main reason that most people cannot stand being around their parents as adults is because of the fact that many parents never seem to make the transition from parent to friend. They can never seem to let go of their role as a parent and they cannot get past the fact that their children are now adults capable of living their own lives and making their own decisions. Consequently, they never allow the relationship with their children to evolve and then they wonder why their children never call.
There are those who deem it their principal duty to tell people how to live their lives. They somehow thrive on the delusion that they’re helping. They tell people what to do, how to think, who to be with. And then they wonder why nobody calls.
Don’t be that person. Nobody likes that person. Nobody likes being told what to do. Nobody wants to be told how to live their lives. It’s belittling and betrays an underlying arrogance that engenders revulsion, not gratitude.
Our job as friends is to listen and to empathize. If our opinions are solicited and advice is sought after, then by all means give them what they want. But, never before the request is made. We don’t know what is best ultimately. We should not pretend that we do. Especially, when our friends think that they know what is best ultimately. Unsolicited advice always leads to resentment because the implication is that mama knows best when mama has forgotten her place.
As an attorney, I learned a very important and valuable lesson. The vast majority of my clients never wanted my advice, they wanted an empathetic ear. People typically don’t want advice. They just want someone to listen. Be that person and you’ll be amazed at how far that will take you.